[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
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Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
this isn’t threatening at all
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.