Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
But I really needed water water water
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang