[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches