I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
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Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday