Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Encore…
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
This is true.