someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
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I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.