Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.