shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I have no passwords left in me
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.