Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.