Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight