hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it