Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy