Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me