Good boy ππ
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
#KarenAndTheCat π
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Hi, Iβm Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
carpooler: whatβd you think βbeat the trafficβ meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I donβt wanna talk about it
Iβm get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you donβt like the prices , stop coming to my house
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and Iβm going to eat them both.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WEβRE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. Iβll just put βsingleβ on this Census form.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, βyeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?β
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. Thatβs the third one so far.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.