[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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Cats (2019)
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.