Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.