I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
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The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.