ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!