Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Krampus.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat