[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.