I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
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kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.