[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
welp
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.