My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”