H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?