I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
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Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo