[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
what the
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
fixed it
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.