It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
You Might Also Like
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!