breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
How it started: How it’s going:
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES