When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
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An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Genius idea!!
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please