BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development