The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
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the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me irl
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.