Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
girls literally only want one thing..
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.