DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
this chia pet tastes awful
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”