Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!