people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do