dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.