[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*