“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
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*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.