Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
You Might Also Like
Lmfao
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?