How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Comparing yourself to others
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
As the Lord intended
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration