[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
You Might Also Like
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs