Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
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I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
It do be feeling this way.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying