I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
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*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.