Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
pep talk
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5