If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.