What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
can’t talk my ride’s here
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.