My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
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GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.