just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“i miss shittin on people”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
it is time once again
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what