Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Pretty much. 🤣
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Tremendous stuff
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.