“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I get distracted pretty eas
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.